Mascat (Oman), 13.06.2019
On 13 June 2019 the annual perfume conference "Smell Well like Hell" took place in the capital of Oman. Topic this year: "Aventus - Myth and Reality". The international perfume umbrella organisation PIFA had invited. In the following, central passages from the lectures of three keynote speakers will be reproduced, which should illuminate the phenomenon Aventus from different perspectives. It should be noted that the conference is funded by four major perfume lobbying associations: Back to the Ouds, Vetiver International, Greed International and Mademoiselle Chantal.
The statistical perspective (Prof. Dr. rer. parf. h.c. Adam Pineapple)
"(...) Having probably bored you with my introductory words, I would now like to take a somewhat objective perspective on the Aventus phenomenon, or rather: a more objective one. In one of the world's largest perfume forums (Parfumo), Aventus' fragrance receives an average score of 8.5 points on a scale of 10, based on 1659 scores, with the batch code included as a covariate in the calculation. We are dealing with a left-leaning distribution - if one is allowed to say so at all with such a variable categorically interpreted there ..."
Interjection from the auditorium: "All right, Prof! And what does that mean now?"
Pineapple: "Hm, well, I'm actually just delivering numbers and analyses, no interpretations ... Um, I think it's very unlikely that Aventus is a particularly controversial fragrance (even if a review of relevant comments and statements would suggest that). But then a two-compartment distribution with many negative ratings would have been likely. However, this is a selection sample and the high cost of the water is ..."
Interjection: "Aha?! So Aventus is pretty popular with most people as a fragrance, right?"
Pineapple: "This seems a little too undifferentiated to me. Aventus should be a good to very good fragrance, taking into account the measurement error, at least on average, whereby future research should pay particular attention to relevant perfume-socio-demographic variables such as gender, age, region of the perfume, previous perfume experience, but also to confounding variables such as mood at the time of spraying, temperature, presence of pantys and many other factors, and ..."
The philosophical perspective (Dr. phil. frag. Ambrosia Moos)
"In his epoch-making essay, "What's it like to be a bat?" (Engl. "What is it like to be a bat(chcode)?"), the US-American philosopher Thomas Nagel resolutely opposes so-called reductionist efforts with the highest argumentative rigor after self-experiments with the chemical warfare agent "Bat" by zoologists. His thesis: We can still collect as many "objective" facts about a fragrance as we want (e.g. concerning its composition, its and our temperature, psychochemical connections, ...), we will never, I emphasize: NEVER know what it is like to be an Aventus, um, I mean of course how it feels, smells and what it does with you to smell, perceive or dream Aventus, to smell it. That's really a complicated thought, I admit it. At the same time, however, it frees Aventus from scientific, reductionist considerations."
Interjection: "And what does that mean now?"
Moos: "First of all: Thank you very much for your interesting and profound question! That's a really good question. Hm, please let me think for a moment ..."
(Mrs. Moos' official lecture was finished at this point. In the early break, a few conference topics discussed with Chablis, stimulated and increasingly animated, the logical (in)possibility of the existence of Aventus-Dupes and its ontological independence.)
The Perspective of Religious Studies (Prof. Dr. Jasmin Rose-Apfel)
"(...) I would now like to briefly go into the "Golden Calf" from the 2nd book of Moses and build a bridge to today's Aventus cult, which has probably long since passed its zenith ..."
Occasional boo calls from the auditorium.
"... Aventus is by no means to be understood as a golden calf, but as an untouchable, sublime, superior entity that does not tolerate a king next to it, at least the disciples of this cult, who have historically been living in this world since 2011 A.D. ...
Heavy booing. A panty meets Mrs. Rose Apple in the face.
"... in contrast, however, to the concept of the Trinity, the cult of Aventus assumes a multiplicity, namely from - more or less controversially - hierarchically ordered so-called batches, which, so to speak, together form the All-One, the Aventus ..."
From the auditorium you can hear unpleasant interjections like "You atheist cow!" Several shoes hit the lectern. Mrs. Rose apple can save herself through a side entrance.
Those who had not fallen asleep after a total of twelve hours of controversial lectures applauded enthusiastically at the end of the conference. For reasons of volume, we are unfortunately unable to provide you with a summary of the many other exciting lectures (Aventus from a literary-historical, comparative ethnological, psychological, biochemical and quantum-physical perspective).
But we have captured for you, dear reader, in the foyer of the conference hall a few more voices from visitors of the conference ("How do you actually like the Aventus?"):
"Ey, this is absolutely blatant, a revelation, these are the tears of God in a bottle of diamond! He's flashing you, it's not bras flying, it's panties on stage! The King, there's nothing against Elvis. So sublime, genius, I feel ten times more confident when I spray this on. I don't wear Him, Aventus wears me and at the same time I fly. ... Why are you laughing?!!"
"I don't see it as complicated as these ladies and gentlemen scientists. I have a bottling of Aventus, batch code, um, wait a minute, oh, no matter ... Anyway, it's in my bathroom and every few days I feel like carrying it to work. And then I spray it on myself. Got a dozen other scents. Likes them all."
"I find that completely overpriced. Good smell, but also a status symbol of some people (in Germany probably less than 0.05 % of the population, even if they say they smell it EVERYWHERE). The Dupes are doing the same for me. The fragrance is important to me, not the brand or any cult, even if you can hardly say that openly nowadays, as Mrs Rose-Apfel has proven."
"Well, I think it's possible to overdo it. This is a fragrance that I personally like very much with its freshness and masculinity. It can be used flexibly, holds well and is almost never out of place. Others like him too, or they don't. That's perfectly okay. It's just a scent like any other. His goodness depends on our feelings, not on the scent itself."
"I think it's gnarly that a single scent can do something like this. Just sit back and enjoy. If the old knight can do one thing, it's entertainment."
We are happy to announce today that the next "Smell Well like Hell" will take place in California. "Oud 66 - Save the bald eagle."