The social ambiguities of fragrance

I think this may differ from culture to culture, but sometimes, what we see as a fairly inoffensive, nice way to complete our personal grooming or to treat ourselves can take on the epic drama of a political powder keg.

I remember long ago, when I was still married (gag... lol) having steeled myself to endure the obligatory thanksgiving hell gathering with my then-in laws:
I was dressed "properly", as in nice, not overtly sexy, and neat. I basically looked like I had made an effort to look nice for the occasion, nothing over the top.
Now, keep in mind, my in laws were bona fide assholes, but after being greeted with "Hello, L, you look nice, today", I figured I could relax a little.
... WRONG! While freshening up in the bathroom, I overheard mt MIL and my SIL talking. What struck me was "... and she's always wearing perfume! it's not that it's strong, it's that it's there, who does she think she is?"
I knew they were talking about me because my name did come up.

Ignoring the whole thing, I went back to the living room and pretended not to have heard anything.
Then guests arrived: a happy jolly crowd, always joking and having a good time. The wife gives me a hug and exclaims "Ooooooh, Honey, I love what you're wearing, you smell fabulous, what is it?"
And for that, I broke my own rule: I normaly hate to disclose what perfume I'm wearing, but she was so nice I just told her "It's Diorissimo eau de toilette..."
And the lady keeps going on and on, adding "It's gorgeous, especially with all the cooking smells, you smell like a breath of fresh air!"

Hmmm. Talk about 2 completely opposite points of view!

Another day, I was in yoga and this woman next to me was wearing a very strong perfume (Angel... in yoga!) It was awful, lol. I couldn't believe anyone would choose that for a hot yoga class! But at the end, another woman from the row across us turned around and said to her "I enjoyed your beautiful perfume the whole time, it really made holding some poses easier!"

... SAY WHAT?!?!

And then this: I went with a friend to her mother's funeral. They had been very close and she was understandably devastated. She wasn't even wearing perfume on herself, but she had taken with her a hankerchief with her mother's fragrance on it. And occasionally, she would pull it out and smell it, she seemed to draw comfort from it.
... Would you believe her aunt was all shocked and pissy about it? She called it "rude and inappropriate"... And *I* encouraged my friend to seek comfort from her mother's scent.

All this to say...

Are there unwritten rules anywhere about perfume wearing? None of the events I just recalled were extreme in any way but yet people's reactions were polar opposites! And I found no common denominator to draw a rule from this.

Why is it that some people find perfume so offensive, while others revel in it and enjoy every whiff? Why are the reactions so viceral?

There is no correct answer. A small percentage of people can't tolerate scent. One perfumephobe I know is perfectly legit. She also wheezes at diesel exhaust, fireplace smoke, etc., so she ain't faking it.

Then you have the puritans, who equate wearing perfume with waving the prostie flag or something. There are lots of different reasons, but I do opt for subtle at work, for instance, because a coworker was once sent home for reeking. The poor guy had been clearing his driveway with a snowblower so that he could come to work. The gas fumes had saturated his hair and clothing, and he did smell pretty toxic.

Can't please everybody, I know. Especially since it's mostly something I use for me, and because I know my man enjoys it on me too, lol. But sometimes it's like getting a hug and a slap all at once.

I Don't Care
I wear what I want where I want And if people have a Problem
they can Kiss my @@$

Well, I happen to love my job and my paycheck, so I choose to be discreet.

I wear perfume 24/7....gym, bed, school, home....whatever. And while I do wear whatever I like ( or it would not be in my collection in the first place), I do try to make wise and appropriate choices.

When I have a class at court reporting school, we all sit in a small room and keep the doors closed not to be distracted by the noise, so I never wear anything thermonuclear. The same at the gym....anything too heavy doesn't smell right even to me.

On the other hand, when I go to college during the day, I am less discreet because I don't find myself in close proximity to others much.
And finally, when I go out or at home, I don't give a shit (excuse my language) what others think, an that includes my husband as well

I prefer the super light dabbed on application but that is just how my nose likes it. That's why I couldn't understand my ex in laws' reaction. But I think that Cryptic has a point in bringing up the puritanical culture we live in: Anything that taps into our senses as profoundly as scent does will no doubt cause some negative reactions from some, I guess.

... Pity, because I never thought there was ever anything shocking about smelling nice, but if you go back to the dark ages... Well, personal hygiene was a sin, back then.

I never heard anyone complaining about my perfume....not in my face at least.

Very well said Dlane1953.

Another reason for the diverse reactions may be that scent works on the primitive brain (limbic system), while at the same time smell is the least understood of our senses.
So it brings up more emotions we can't channel as well into formalities.

From all the answers I think Dlane1953 explained it best. In the US but also in my country (NL) fragrance is indeed seen as a frivolous expense, only to be worn on very special occasions and not as casual as we here do!

Apparently , the country that is most crazy about perfume is Brazil, when it comes to seeing nearly 99% of the population wear something most of the time. That is what I learnt from watching the BBC documentary on perfume.

That is a very interesting issue you have brought up here. Haven´t we all experienced at least once how different perceptions and opinions of fragrance can be among people in general and even among those who are close to us. Same goes for food and drinks, doesn´t it ?

I believe that the issue of "appropriateness" of wearing a fragrance or which one or how much of it will, as with all other matters of taste and culture and personal habits, remain a divided one.
There is a saying in German that pretty much sums it up for me, "What brings joy to one person is another person´s pain." Sort of, well yes
I try not to please others too much but there are situations when the smell/scent of a person might be from plain carelessly chosen to shockingly insulting. It is up to everyone to decide which "risks" you want to take when wearing a particular scent.

Might "Angel" be a nuisance at the dentist ? Will "Chanel No.5" be the right aura at the gym ? Is "Cool Water" a motivation during the office day ?

Last year I had to put that question seriously to myself as I was pondering about whether or not I should wear perfume to my aunt´s funeral. Tricky issue and as I was afraid to scare away my relatives (we live about 6h car drive away from each other and contact is rather loose) I got myself some advice here.
On that day I wore "Infusion d´Homme" by Prada which IMHO smells more like fresh laundry and rather "unperfumey".

I find the idea to "wear" the deceased´s favourite scent in a handkerchief very appealing. I would never scold someone for doing that. However, I think it would be a good idea to step back from oriental bombs if it was not the scent associated with that beloved person.
In my opinion, a funeral is, along with a job interview, the trickiest situation of all to choose perfume for.
To be frank : I would not wear any perfume for a job interview and the funeral...well, as described above.

Is "Angel" the right choice for gym lessons ? Hmmm....who can tell ? I think nobody can...except the "rules" for the participants of the gym lesson are courteously asked to refrain from perfume during the training.

My personal conclusion : "To thine own self be true."
You cannot be everybody´s darling.
It´s just the very difficult situations that I try to make a compromise or even constrain myself from my usual habits. Otherwise I believe "Chacun á son gout." ... on most occasions.

+1

It's universal that professional performing arts organizations have prohibitions when it comes to fragrance use. You can't risk having actors, dancers, singers or musicians, whose life work depends on breathing, having an asthmatic or sneezing fit in mid-performance. Most of my colleagues are easy going when it comes to light, sheer fragrance or residual scent. But if I know I'll be in the vicinity of co-workers on stage who are sensitive -seriously, psychosomatically or even if they just don't like fragrance- I lay off the bottle. It's not that great a sacrifice on my part.

Sometimes I think it's just common sense. For example.. If I visit someone with a newborn baby, I would never wear fragrance. If visiting someone in Hospital, I don't wear a heavy scent. I do work several months of the year, in a Hotel, where I reside while working), so when I decide to wear one of my heavy hitters, I use the stairs in the morning, not the lift, until the scent settles a bit. I have my own space where I work, don't share with co workers, so more or less please myself on that score. I love my perfumes, and will always wear them, but with common sense.